Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
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A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Maths meets science
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.