Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
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They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg