[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
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My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
this has done me in for some reason
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*