Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
the noise i just made
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.