Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
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Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals