if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
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I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.