When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
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I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
favorite tropes as memes
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.