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Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.