When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
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I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
…żyje?
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.