I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
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“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.