Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
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facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
they really do be looking like this
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
THIS HEADLINE
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.