Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
You Might Also Like
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.