doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
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After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Seems legit
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.