I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
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I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
They’re stuck in your pants?
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
some Old Testament wisdom
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*