I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
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[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..