schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…