I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
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I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*