My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
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The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.