Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
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When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]