Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
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*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana