One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
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“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
channeling her this year
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
それは草
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
when mom throws a party…
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
No way!
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Haha good job!!
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night