Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
You Might Also Like
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
“You’d better run, egg!”
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!