[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
You Might Also Like
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Well well well…
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”