5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
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Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.