I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
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My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
my one true gender
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Saturday
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note