[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
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the dark web is just a goth google.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
I found your tweet-up…
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation