Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
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My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.