Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
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{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
(Jupiter –
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad