If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
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There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Feels
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”