*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
You Might Also Like
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Hmmmmm
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.