[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
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I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.