Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
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Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.