Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
You Might Also Like
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
whatcha thinkin bout
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?