*me flirting
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Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.