*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
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if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
huge if true: the moon
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
so much to do
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.