Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
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[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Wednesday
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire