(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
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Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*