MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
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Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
If you want my opinion ask my wife
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?