“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
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tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Jogging
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN