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Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.