Me buying fruit and veg
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Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
I cannot call her anything else now
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.