The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
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If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
What’s so funny?
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Green is just blue that someone peed in
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’