Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
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I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
My dad teaching me to drive
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
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No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date