me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
You Might Also Like
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Bobby pin
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
March 16
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)