If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
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I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight