Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
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[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.