People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
You Might Also Like
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.