Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
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drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito