Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
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My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)