“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
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You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
ok this is my dumbest yet
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.